Subject: NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT
NEW PRODUCT REVIEW: MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVES
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and
play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage
in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus
protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation
of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free
copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98
Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the
sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a
package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be
known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If
the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is
sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements.
After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user
must have sufficient RAM to complete the session.
When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user
gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.
Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious
Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been
The product needs to be installed each time its used.
Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to
its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,
that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,
Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s
potential. He recently said, Our contraceptive products will help
users do to each other what weve been doing to our customers for